Jesse’s People Ed. 2: Alex “Tight-Tush” Tercero

{ February 22, 2010 @ 3:38 pm } · { Jesse's People }

If laughter is the best medicine, then Alex Tercero is the panacea.  He is the funniest kid I’ve ever met. No contest.  I think few people really appreciate the comedic genius that is Alex Tercero as completely as I do.  This is why I’ve already ensured that when I die… Alex will be performing stand-up at my funeral as a final tribute. It’s going to be the event of the century.

I find it impossible to summarize Alex in one article… and contrary to his wish that he gets his own mini-series, I’ll do my best and you’ll just have to take it on good faith that this kid kicks some serious tush.. tight tush… which is Alex’s self-appointed nickname.  None of us have ever questioned his choice and would prefer to Not know at this point.

We’ll start with some random facts…

• Alex buys his shirts at Wal-Mart.  (not really, but telling Alex this used to induce a fit of childish rage)
• Alex can snowboard… just at 25% of the speed of someone skiing.
• If you are going to Alex’s house, there is a 90% chance you’ll have pizza.
• There is no faster way to turn a horror movie into a comedy than to invite this kid along.
• Alex is a die-hard fan of the Juggernaut x-men video on YouTube.  Anyone who frequents his company will testify that if you mention the word “mustard”, it’s immediately followed by him yelling, “mustard?! I’m Ketchup motha f—a!”
• Alex can do an uncanny impression of Shaggy from Scooby-doo.
• Spiderman’s “Bonesaw McGraw” is one of Alex’s main role models.
• Alex and I spent an entire afternoon re-watching the same crash-dummy commercial and laughing until we both had headaches.
• He is making all of his future children wear shirts that say, “I have the greatest dad”. Every day.
• Inspired by children at amusement parks, Alex and I have perfected something we call “Scream Crying,” where what appears to be mournful sobbing quickly turns into a tantrum quality scream and back again.
• One afternoon we tracked down beyblades (a battle of top-like toys).  Alex chose his toy, named it “wolfy-boy” and brought a level of enthusiasm typical of a die-hard fan at the super bowl.
• Alex and I used to play heated battles of Yugioh in his basement and scream out slogans from the show as if our lives literally Did depend on the outcome of the match… yea, “used to.”
• Alex and I are currently planning on becoming roommates after I finish graduate school and either heading to California or New York to achieve stardom.
• There is a waiting list to be our neighbors.

Comedy (haha):

I met Alex Tercero in my homeroom class in 7^th grade because we both owned the same blue fleece sweatshirt and thus secretly hated each other.  We didn’t become friends until 9^th grade when we had Spanish together and started getting laughs by using comical Spanish names with over-dramatized phrases like, “Yo te veo… Pepe!”.    We also worked together on short educational  stick-figure sketches in English to serve as visual definitions and memory keys.

Alex and I are famous for our revolutionary type of humor I’d like to call “Implausible Comedy”.  This consists of a hypothetical and often absurd situation that is a framework for endless comedic elaboration. Some examples include: The many deaths of Alex Tercero (a children’s book), sadistic parenting, unconventional prison tours, friendly but over-zealous waiters with pepper, making your wedding unforgettable for the wrong reasons, rage-aholic ex-bosses, and countless more.

Once we constructed a list of funny complaints on a sheet of paper so that we could read them back to mimic what little kids sounded like at amusement parks.  Unfortunately we left this lying around and my mom found what she thought was serious cause for parental concern.

We’re bi-lingual. English… and Simpsons:

I have only met one person in the world with knowledge of the Simpson’s on par with my own… Alex.  Between us it isn’t a pastime, it’s a way of life, a language, a means to express ourselves, and a tool for explaining the world around us.  So when I get woken up from text at 2:30 am that says, “Que malo, once again I must sugar my own churro.” (Milhouse) I know Alex is probably sitting alone in his apartment and could use a laugh.  Without this outlet, I think we’d both go crazy from all of the people around us not understanding our references.  We also know the lyrics to many of the songs from that show and can trade off lyrics fluently.

He be rockin’ them beats:

He is an aspiring musician.  You can catch him rocking out on his electric guitar or wailing away on the drums.  More importantly, he can play both of these instruments in the video-game world of rock band just as well.

Alex, or Dr. Lex in the rap world, has released 3 rap songs including, “best rap ever”, “pank in the sank”, and “what’s wrong wit them hoes”.  These tracks feature original beats, catchy choruses, and even a segment featuring Alex free-styling about a bar fight and an auto-tune section in likeness to T-Pain. Obviously these songs were released as a joke… but you’d be surprised how rap-like they actually sound.  He has also released a few electronic songs on myspace under the name, StarDeathNebula, quoting influences like Ratatat and Horse.

Directed, Written, and Starring…:

He’s also a filmmaker! We produced our  first video in 10th grade on the topic of “Sparkling Glacier Springtime Water”, an envisioned water beverage that promised the world and delivered murky gasoline-flavored refreshment.  Only one copy of this video exists and it will be worth millions when Alex is famous.  Our water commercial had a commercial drug-styled disclaimer at the end that warned viewers of potential side effects including, “…heartburn, sneezing, and pregnancy”.  This commercial also featured a cat meowing at random intervals. Alex has since pursued a degree in Media and Film at Towson University and released several videos.  His latest work, “Cool-enomics 101: How to be cool” is nothing short of a masterpiece.

Ohhh memories:

Alex and I were in Marching Band together in high school.  One of the best memories of my life is a 24 hour bus trip from Maryland to Disneyland in Florida. Alex, Tasha Tully, Rachel Bartlett and I stayed awake the entire trip.  Among the highlights are word for word recitations of John Basedow’s infomercial for “Better Body Basics”, an unforgettable game of “what would you do for a million dollars” where Alex practically volunteered to kiss a toilet seat without compensation, and the blowing of a whoopee cushion in Sam Vannoy’s face while he was sleeping. Disney was also the site of a near panic attack in the Mission Space ride as Alex pleaded with us to stop pressing buttons because it would somehow dislodge the ride from its virtual course.

I visited Ireland for a week this past August because Alex’s 21^st birthday was coming up and he was doing a study abroad in Dublin.  We enjoyed a pint at the top of the Guinness Brewery, took warm shots of Jameson at the distillery, visited Kilmainham Gaol prison, and arm wrestled an Irishman (or in Alex’s case, a woman), choked on hot peppers in a gallon sized bowl of Ramen at an authentic Japanese restaurant, and rocked out to a 90’s power hour with Duff Beer.  This entire week holds a spot in my life’s top 10.

Alex posing as a prison warden at Kilmainham

“Rapping” it all up:

As a person, Alex is hands down one of the most genuinely nice guys anyone could ever hope to meet.  He’s got a killer sense of humor, a terrific work ethic, unbounded creativity and yep… he works out too.  He’s also the only other guy I know that shares my chivalrous classical viewpoint of romance.  So sorry ladies… those pants are staying on.  Alex has Never failed to cheer me up when I needed it and unless you start talking about his Wal-Mart t-shirts… he is the Last person you’d ever get in an argument with.  So, ladies and gents… the bottom line… international man of comedy, most likely to get famous on the internet, most eligible bachelor, and best person to be stuck on in handcuffs with… I give you, Alex “tight-tush” Tercero.

Advertisement